I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
