Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
