Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
