Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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