If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
