There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
