God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
