I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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