I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize