i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
