and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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