o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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