I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
