he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
