one might say we're banned from that church
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
