Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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