sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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