Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
