you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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