Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
