none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Randomize
