So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
