i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
