You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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