I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
