Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
