Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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