Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
there is glitter all over my balls
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
