Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
