Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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