Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
