my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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