I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
