I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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