Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The adults are the big ones right?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
