I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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