She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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