Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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