My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
