You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
