You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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