I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
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Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
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Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.