pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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