Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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