Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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