We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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