I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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