I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
