____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
