glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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