life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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