Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
