just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
