I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
