i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
