I think im going to throw up on grandma
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Randomize
