first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
