i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
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Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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