Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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