How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
